I guess this is goodbye. But my repressed memories will still remain somewhere deep down my subconscious mind, and somewhere in my reveries I’ll be finding them back again.
It hurts so much for me to take this fact, that I have removed the bridge of my present to my past. But how can I move on? It’s the only way I know.
Goodbye my almost lover.
Goodbye my lifelong friend.
I hope to see you, but only in my dreams I know. I will forever remember you, but not my feelings for you. It seems only yesterday that I got to see you for the first time. It seems only tonight that I got to talk to you for the first time. But I can never recall and compare the moment I have fallen in love with you. It seems that it happened never. But it was a fact that I will have to consider. It’s a fact that I will have to live everyday of my life thinking just about you. But people change, and someday I have to change, I said to myself, and that moment of tragedy is tonight. Maybe its fulfillment is not tonight, but I am scared that it would have to happen because I let it happen.
I love you so much that it hurts my heart, that it tore me into pieces just thinking that yesterday is not today; and today will never be yesterday. If only I could relive my past and be able to talk to you again, I would never let myself fall into this deep.
But reliving my past is like creating a dream come true and my dream is all about you, you are everything in it, and you are every meaning behind it. Dreaming is about you, reliving my past will all just be about you; I can never make what I had said that I would never let myself fall into this deep, because loving has no exemptions, loving is hurting and hurting is loving, the more you get wounded the more you will love. But wounds heal and turn into callous, at that time I wish it will form itself quickly that I have to feel no more, that I have to love no more.
If tomorrow is today, it will be the same. But if right now is tomorrow then today would be yesterday, and then I would have to learn something for if I don’t tomorrow will be synonymous to reliving. I can still recall the memory of your face, those words which enlighten my weary heart; but it is so sad that you just have to pass and leave me alone in this cruel world. It is sadder to learn that you just have to pass by because you felt that you want to and not because you felt that you need to. I am ready to give it my everything, to give you my heart and soul, the most basic foundation of my very being, but you went away.
I thought it was close to forever, but forever is just a fiction, it’s a myth that everyone should overcome. Because as a heart loves it is blinded by promises and because of this, everything starts to take the form of our objective reality. Our norms then differ and eventually they are no longer norms but they are laws you have inflicted upon yourself, love for example is a law we have inflicted upon ourselves however it is never love; love is mature, and we have mistaken this to be our foolish interpretations of what love truly is. We are fooled by words and by thought itself. Interpretation is childish at the moment. But we have to be mistaken before we truly can understand. We avoid being hurt but unknowingly hurting is the most basic mistake we have done. And because of hurting we become strong and develop ourselves to a person of great valor. We are scared and frightened by the consequences brought by being hurt, but we didn’t know that growing is its major consequence.
I hate you because you came into my quiet world and brought ecstasy into it. I hate you more because I let you in. I hate you because you made me feel like loved. I hate you because I was mistaken that I am loved. I hate you because you are you, and you are the one I love. I hate you because I love you. I want to curse you to death, that the Grim Reaper will just appear above your head while you are fast asleep.
But I cannot. Because this is what love is. Love is hurting. Love is learning. Love is self-denial. Love is sacrifice. My mistakes can never be yours, and you are not to bring them upon your shoulders.
I thank you rather for coming into my boring life and bringing ecstasy into it. I thank you more because I let you in. I thank you rather because for once I am loved. I thank you more because I was able to understand that it was never love. I thank you because you are you, and because you are the one I love. I thank you because I love you. I never wanna curse you, I just want to be happy for you. I want my angel kick the Grim Reaper far away from your bedside. I want my angel to be always there for you.
But goodbye is goodbye. Someday I’ll see you again. Someday I’ll be able to talk to you again. But someday I know I’ll be free, and on that someday I love you no more. I may remember you in the everyday of my forever but my feelings for you will be lost in the path towards that forever. So thank you for giving me these memories. And I’m sure to be keeping them treasured in my cardiac muscle.
God Bless! ♥
MRS. VINTAGE S.
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- mrs-vintage-s posted this